As I sat on the beach and watched the sunrise this morning, I pulled out my neglected journal and wrote out the thoughts and musings as they entered my mind.
A line that stuck out for me today, was “how can I meet my challenges with grace and playfulness?”
My fight and/or flight mode has been continually activated for quite some time now for various reason, which I don’t want to recap or harp on about. But I’ve always been able to step into warrior mode and do what needs to be done to survive, to pivot and to breakthrough challenges sent our way. To harden my resolve, set my eyes and go for it. To toughen, and “do better” to push, push and push.
But I have found through the waves of challenge thrown towards me this year, that this approach has stopped working. It’s like the harder I try to bust down the walls, the stronger those walls become in response and the more tired and broken spirited I become in the process.
The universe seems to pushing me to find another way of coping, and in doing so – uncovering another layer or healing.
Becoming deeply humbled as I recognise that I actually cannot navigate lifes challenges by determination alone.
My ego has struggled deeply with opening myself up to receiving help. I’ve always been available for self improvement, learning, paying people to dive deeply with me. But receiving help out of the kindest of peoples hearts has been hard.
Admitting to my struggle and heartfelt defeat felt even harder.
I remember when my studio receiving notice to vacate as the building was being knocked down unexpectedly, a mere 5 months after moving in. A couple of weeks later, I was talking to my brother on the phone and he said “what are you going to be doing for work?” I said ” I dont know” This is the first time in my adult life that I can remember not having a plan. Not having a “LETS FIX THIS BY XYZ!!” mentality.
It was healing to be able to say those words “I don’t know” and to be ok with the uncertainty, despite the fears swirling around about how to continue to provide for my family.
I never want to become the victim, or get stuck in victim mindset, but I can look back and truly honour that the journey has been rough for us for a while, although I have been able to find so much joy in most days, regardless of what is happening around us.
My deepest pain is knowing that our struggle has deeply impacted Seb’s health, as mother’s we want nothing more than our children to be happy and healthy.
My heart aches as I type this, knowing that my resistance, determination and capacity to sacrifice myself to push through has contributed to his downfall health wise. He is so in tune with my stresssors, and he feels so very deeply. At the same time I am deeply proud of my capacity to continually do what needs to be done for my family.
In this moment I ask for more ease and more trust in navigating our current challenge as lightly as possible, and that means opening myself up to receive in ways which have previously made me uncomfortable.
My beautiful friend Cael has been pushing for approval to create a Gofund me for my family and I finally relented. If you feel called and our able to help us, we gratefully accept.
Thank you, with love and grattitude.
https://gofund.me/23cc9f00
Janelle
https://gofund.me/23cc9f00